Relationships: How do they work?
Families and couples that find themselves sitting across from me often ask if what they are experiencing is normal. They are often curious about other clients, their arguments, struggles, and approaches to resolving disagreements. They’re equally as shocked when I disclose that all families and couples will have differences and disagreements. I’ll share the discoveries of Gottman’s Love Lab in Seattle, and how countless couples have demonstrated to counselors and researchers that happiness is not related to the amount of disagreements, but rather the process in which they are handled. It’s within these moments where a sense of relief and curiosity anchor the conversation, hence, leading everyone in the room toward a journey of self-discovery and interpersonal growth.
At its core, to make your relationship work will require that you and everyone else involve maintain a sense of respect for each other. In doing so, you create a solid foundation that can withstand most crisis or disaster. While this journey can be a lifelong process, the following 6 ideas can jumpstart any relationship.
Practice Assertive Speaking and Active Listening skills
Speaking assertively means that you take responsibility for your comments and messages. You can do this by using “I” statements and avoiding the use of “you” at the start of your sentences. This will help you remain positive, avoid criticism, and connect.
Example 1 : I’m feeling overwhelmed with the children, but I know you’re being stretched thin at work. I’m feeling confused about what we can do to feel less stressed.
Example 2: I’m feeling disconnected. While I love the time that we spend together, I also want us to dedicate time to discuss our next vacation. I’d like for us to find some time to talk about this.
Take daily temperature checks
Make an intentional effort to talk about the relationship, rather than just discussing what your activities were throughout the day. These conversations should focus on each other and your joint lives. Doing this for five minutes is a great way to work towards connecting, before correcting.
Example 1: What did you enjoy most about our day together?
Example 2: What did you find most challenging about our day together?
Example 3: how can we be more supportive of one another?
Hone your conflict resolution skills
As mentioned above, all families and couples have differences and disagreements. Hence, fine-tuning your conflict resolution skills will help you to resolve day-to-day conflicts while maintaining the integrity of your relationships. You can use this by setting time for a discussion, being specific, using assertive and active listening, and being creative in your problem-solving suggestions.
Take a time-out
Yes, take a time-out. Sometimes conflicts become so heated that anger and frustration become inevitable. At this level, speaking assertively feels impossible and you may find yourself accusing, criticizing, or even yelling. Rather than continuing along this disastrous ride, take a pit-stop and call a time out. Go take a short-walk, meditate, pray, jump in the shower, do something physical, and come back to the conversation after you’ve cooled off. Keep in mind, a time-out is not about avoiding the conversation, its about taking a moment and coming back to the discussion with cooler heads.
Make a family tree
Design to your comfort. You can be as creative or simple as you like with this idea. Map out your current family along with any and all known extended family members. Discuss your experiences with the people you add to the tree as you connect and learn more about one another. The goal here is to work toward cementing a unified family.
Set your goals
What are your goals? Have you taken time to discuss them with your partner or family members? Use this approach to clarify and set your personal, couple, and family goals for the next few years. Remember to keep your goals realistic and clear. This will help you to learn about each other’s desires, set priorities, and address any personal or relationship challenges for your future plans.
Recap
Relationships work. It is possible to improve your couple or family experiences so that everyone experiences a rewarding and respectful connection. This starts by taking smalls steps towards improving your communication, checking in, using conflict resolution skills, taking time-outs, visualizing your family, and sharing shared/individual goals.
If you find you have ongoing problems that don’t go away over time, it is important to seek professional counseling. If you are interested in scheduling a free consultation to learn how you can improve your relationship, text 646-481-4485.
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Until the conversation continues
- Genesis Urena, MSW, LSW/LMSW, SIFI, CSAT-Candidate